“If you need anything, just ask.”
Haven’t we all said this to people in times of need? I know I have, most of my life, actually.
We mean it, we sincerely mean it. We want so badly to be available in any and every circumstance that we put our whole self and resources at the disposal of the loved one, and we offer it all.
“Really — anything. Just name it.”
But guess what? We just gave the grieving friend something else to do. They have to first identify one of their ever-changing needs, and then remember who it was that offered to do “whatever” they need to have done. Then they must decide that they will, in fact, not worry about being a bother, and take the initiative to ask. And finally, once they find the phone number, they need to make the call.
So I propose this: Instead of offering everything, let’s offer one thing. One specific thing. And let our friends decide yay or nay on that one thing. Then later let’s call with another concrete offer, and see what helps most at that time. That’s how people helped me when Jack died. Their comfort intersected specifically with my precise needs, and carried me through tight spots and bewildering days.
Which is what prompted me to begin a list on What Really Helps. I did not want to forget how much good can be accomplished in a single dose. For example:
1) Leave soup and bread on the doorstep. Protein and vegetables = instant good served hot in a mug. Bring extra for the freezer, in disposable containers, if possible.
2) Write a card and enclose your contact information. Offer to listen, as a friend did this month. “If you feel stuck in winter, I’ll listen. I haven’t heard it all. If you want to talk, I’m here. Here’s my phone number. Here’s my email address.”
3) Text or leave a voice mail. “No need to call back—just want you to know I am thinking about you today.”
4) Name memories. Tell stories. They’re particularly welcome. Even the bits and pieces.
5) Offer a ride. “I’m free Monday. Can I pick you up at the train station?”
6) Offer a meal. “I’ve made a monster lasagne and have extra. Could I drop some off?” Enclose a gift card to the local grocery store.
7) Offer your services.
“Call day or night, if you want company. I keep my phone near me and can return to sleep easily.”
“Can I come push the vacuum/pull weeds/do the laundry for a while?”
“I have tickets to a concert Thursday. Would you like to go with me?”
“I can have my mechanic look the car over, if you like.”
“We can plant flowers this spring, if you want. Would you like to pick some out?”
“I’m at the market—do you need anything?”
8) Pray for the person when you drive past their house or experience some other trigger. And tell them, so they know they are not alone.
9) Invite them to New Year’s, Easter, Christmas, the Super Bowl.
10) Try spur of the moment invitations. “I know it’s last minute, but…”
11) While you are mowing your lawn or cleaning out your gutters, do the same for them since you already have your lawnmower and ladder out.
12) Set a date to meet for dinner with a couple good friends. Get it on the calendar for next month, too.
These thoughts are uppermost in my mind tonight because I just spoke with a friend whose husband died only this morning. Oh, the sorrow. Everyone is just trying to breathe and think. It is so fresh and raw that at times they simply have to settle for breathing and maybe not much thinking.
And the people who love them are anxious to step in, kiss the hurt, make it better. They’ll do anything, anything at all, she has only to name it, but my friend is not sure what to say, exactly.
So I offer these ideas, knowing none of us can do everything, but all of us can do one thing.
Specifically!