I never did drugs growing up, unless you count coffee, not that I do. But while I never did drugs, I have been hooked on something else as controlling, and it is this heady premise: I can do it myself. I know you are all shocked to hear I was ever like this, knowing what you presently know of me, but yes, I really was an…
I keep waiting for the Perfect Time, a time in which to write you thoughtfully, memorably, helpfully, with sufficient space carved out to refine, polish and edit, as my spelling and grammer grammar are meticulously checked. And in such waiting, all that happens is nothing. Once again, it's time to reject the Whole Lotta Nothing thinking in favor of a Little Bit of Something. Let me…
I was glad to be home after a whirlwind 24-hour getaway. It had included, among other things, a picnic lunch by a stream and setting marshmallows ablaze by bonfire. (Why? Is there another way to toast them?) I happily anticipated a hot shower to erase the traces of dirt and sweat and smoke. Standing lost in thought, suitcase on the floor, cats circling my feet…
"Well, so how is your husband?" asked a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. Taken off-guard, I stammered, "He died. He's dead. He got very sick quite suddenly and he passed away. Eight months ago today." But as I've had time to rethink it, I want another chance to answer, this time more accurately. Jack didn't pass away. He didn't. The real answer is that he is very much alive and…
My five year old niece stared unhappily at the handwriting task her mom had just assigned."I don't know why, but this just makes me feel like crying!"I totally get that, my nice niece. For you, it is handwriting. For me, it is paperwork. What my friend calls Yucky Papers. Under the best of circumstances, the most I hope for is a temporary truce with Yucky Papers. But I'm finding…
As Neil Sedaka might have sung on a morning like this, "Waking up is so hard to do." It's one of those days when I open my eyes and feel like a Mack truck hit me, and then backed up to see what it hit. A morning when the coffee can't be brewed fast enough. A morning when what I would really like is for someone…
This morning, I retrieved eight delicate sets of teacups and saucers from their haven on the top shelf, and set them on my counter. That it had been a while was evident by the lone spider's wisp stretching across one handle. These lovely teacups and saucers were the fruit of a lifetime of collecting by Jack's favorite Aunt Laura. We had honored the trust of…
Well, tomorrow marks seven months, and I'm not sure what to say about that, except that it is what it is. Other people along the road are months and years ahead of me, but I can't think too much about that because I'm not there yet. I'm at six months, thirty days and about fifteen minutes. That's the nature of grieving, as far as I can…
My son and his lovely bride gave me a gift this Christmas that was both for me and because of Jack: a Garmin GPS! It was the best gift for a person like me, who cannot always find my way out of a paper bag. As a matter of fact, all my life I have had anxiety about getting lost. This was an anxiety Jack did not share. He never…
I loved Jack, but I didn't love everything about him or everything about our marriage. There were disappointments along the way, places where I felt misunderstood, trapped, lonely, frustrated. There was what I thought marriage would be as we took our vows, and then there was what it actually turned out to be as our lifetime unfolded. In striving to be honest, it is important for me to acknowledge this. These days…